Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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