Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
