I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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