Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
