I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
