It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
