between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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