I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
