Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Randomize
