Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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