I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
