she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
