also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
