I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
