all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
