I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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