Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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