i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
