I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
