Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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