i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
