the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
