Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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