That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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