We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize