i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
