Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you would pick up someone in the library
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
