So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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