it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
