Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
