just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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