So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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