drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
