I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
