Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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