I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
