Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
