the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
