You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize