i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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