I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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