WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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