I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
