girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
