You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
