i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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