Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
