there's paper in my vomit.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
