I skipped work to stalk him.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
