Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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