so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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