theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize