If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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