I'm jealous of your bromance
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
