Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
