thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
