you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
