Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
