I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
