Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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