oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize