He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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